In that moment…

Okay. I realize what I’m feeling is memory. It’s anger or sorrow or confusion or angst from my past. It’s come now to push into my present reality and add to what I’m already experiencing. It can happen like this:

I walk into a room where my kids have spread toys everywhere, and they have gotten into the photo album and taken pictures out. Those, too, are strewn about. I get angry, but it’s not just anger. It’s rage. Clearly, this present situation does not warrant rage. Frustration is justified, sure, but not rage. I’ve been triggered. When something “bad” happens and reminds me of things that are beyond my control, I can be reminded of the helplessness, powerlessness, and fear that accompanied past beyond-my-control events, events like being abused. Memory from those abusive events can come rushing in. It is critical for me to recognize this and act immediately so my actions match the present frustration, not my past trauma.

How? By setting up a word, a phrase, an action that grounds me in the present. I can sit down. I can close my eyes and pray: “God, let me be here, here with my beautiful children.” I can even call for help from another trusted adult. There are options that will work, with repeated effort. I am worth making this effort. All those in my present life are worth it, too.

We are wounded people, we who have been abused. We must admit this and deal with the consequences. God is so very willing to show us the way. God can bring beauty from our wounds.

Reflection

What word, phrase, or action can you craft to help you when memory crowds in?

Prayer

Dear Lord, I know the disturbance, the devastation even, that can result when memory comes flooding in unawares. Help me to nurture an awareness. Help me to be fierce in my commitment to keep my past from harming my present. Help me to see your love for me. Forgive me, and help me to forgive myself. I lean on you and your grace. Amen.

Note: It is difficult to deal with past trauma alone. It is a courageous step to seek professional help. See resources or look in your area for a competent professional, and do not be afraid to keep seeking if you do not feel safe or heard.

Also, see Praying with Beads for prayers written for victims of child abuse and sexual abuse. There are also prayers for self-acceptance and believing in God.