Are you afraid of God?
Paysage biblique, 1939, by Georges Rouault.
Are you afraid of God? It’s a strange question, but fear of God can manifest in all kinds of ways.
For adults who were chronically abused, God can be frightening. After all, we get our first idea of God and what God is like from those who care for us early on. Yes, our parents. If our parents loved us, God loves us. If our parents abused and neglected us, then… Hence, fear of God.
Some of us choose to keep God at arms’ length. We’ll mouth prayers and maybe even go to church, but risk meditating or nurturing any one-on-one time with God? No. The risk is too high. What if God doesn’t show up? What if we can’t sense God?
There’s something that gets in the way, both for the abused and for other adults who have endured some trauma in their lives. Its worse for those who are naturally stubborn and suspicious. We won’t give a little. We think, “let God prove himself.” After all, God can, right? God can provide the sign we need or want. God can make this situation work out. God can, in other words, “buy” our belief.
There is one thing God wants from us, and I wonder if it’s something that just by nature has to be present for us to perceive things as things are. We have to start with consent, with an admission, with a vulnerability. Even if it’s an “Okay, God, you exist and you love me. I agree that’s true.” That allows that stubborn “prove yourself” veil to come down. That allows the realization that if God is what we so want him to be (and he is), then, yes, let our defenses, our fears fall away so we can see and hear and receive.
Kind of like that willingness to step out of the boat before realizing we can walk on water.
(And let’s remember: God doesn’t expect anything from us that his grace within us doesn’t show us how to do.)
Reflection
In what ways are you afraid of God? How is God asking you to overcome this fear?
Prayer
Dear God, help me to see how heartbreaking it is for you to see me keep my distance because I’ve concluded intimacy with you is just not for me. Help me to be vulnerable in your presence. Help me to see the ways I need to step out of the boat. I want to see you, God, and I want to be seen by you. Show me how. Amen.