Shame is deadly

Shame is a deadly thing. It burrows deep within. More than not, we don’t even know it’s eating us alive.

I think shame is eating Donald Trump alive. I think it’s eating Pete Hegseth alive.

Let me show you how insidious shame can be.

By the age of 13, I was already deeply wounded, deeply dissociated, deeply scarred. I was starving for affirmation, for love, for acceptance. And when I was handed a way to appease my abusers, a way to illicit from them some sign of affection, I took it. It was made apparent to me that if I “went along with,” if I didn’t fight, if I showed some willingness to cooperate with my abusers, they just might reward me in some way. I’d receive their approval.

Oh, this was costly. This introduced shame. I was now complicit. In some way, I was going along with the abuse, and the degradation of it, the evil inherent, the shame of it was now mine!

It took me decades of therapy and prayer to realize my abusers had done this to me intentionally, for one who feels complicit certainly won’t tell! They made me think I had chosen to participate in the abuse. I had not! I had made a choice to receive something for which I was starving, love and affirmation. The shame didn’t belong to me.

Shame from childhood traumas rarely does belong to its victims.

I carried the shame they’d handed me. I felt its weight. I hated myself. And, often, I hated those around me who seemed as if they were free of such a weight. I felt wrong, foolish, like I’d never be enough. I felt judged, dirty, and unworthy of anything good. If I hadn’t been so committed to healing, growing, and getting beyond the effects of the trauma, I can’t imagine what that shame would have led me to do, both to myself and those around me.

Shame is eating Donald Trump and Pete Hegseth, and no amount of praise or perceived success, no amount of toughness or testosterone will make them whole or content. They have to heal. They have to be willing to grow. They have to get beyond the traumas they’ve suffered. They have to shed the shame; otherwise, it will continue to influence what they do to themselves and us, and it won’t be good.

Reflection

How does shame contribute to our insecurity, our anger, and our resentment of others?

Prayer

Dear God, thank you for being with us in our traumas. Thank you for calling us to grow beyond the devastating effects of it. Thank you for showing us how destructive shame is, how it lies, how it fools us. May we be willing to work with you to heal. May Donald Trump and Pete Hegseth be willing to work with you to heal as well. Amen.