Life with us isn’t easy
Illustration by Rebecca Jo Heaston.
We survivors are not easy to live with. Feelings that belong in the past can come rushing into our present like some tsunami, and they can knock us, and those around us, off our feet. If we’re far enough along in our recovery that we realize what’s going on, we can manage to get in between our loved ones and this barrage of emotion. We can sneak away and deal with the flashback. And if we’re among loved ones who support us, they, too, will realize what’s going on and give us the space to do just this, with compassionate understanding.
If we’re early in recovery, however, we may not realize what is going on, so our attempts to explain ourselves to others are difficult at best. We may not know what is happening. Why all this anger? Why all this sorrow? It seems totally inappropriate to our current situation, and that is a very accurate realization, because the feelings are inappropriate … to now. They are very appropriate to then.
This morning, I felt very aggravated with my husband. I felt like lashing out at him, and when he came close, my body actually withdrew. I knew I was experiencing memory. I knew my mind had gone back and brought forward an unresolved reservoir of emotion elicited when my father would abuse me.
Is it unfair to equate my husband with my father? Oh, yes. It is unfair that these reservoirs of emotion still leap forward? Oh, yes. And the only response can and must be to act with compassion. I must learn to spot these flashbacks as early as I can. I must refrain from treating my husband as if he were my father. I must remove myself from the situation and attend to the emotion.
After decades of doing this, I’m quite good at it. I apologize to my husband. I take time with myself, in compassionate understanding. I breathe. I pray. I allow gratitude for my present life to embrace me. And I return to now.
Early on, this process wasn’t smooth. It was chaotic. It was confusing and hurtful to both myself and my loved ones. Now, it is something we all are aware of. It is frustrating, for sure, but it is part of being a survivor.
Reflection
How do flashbacks appear in your day-to-day, and how are you growing in your ability to respond to them?
Prayer
Oh, God, being a survivor of childhood abuse isn’t easy. I am still astounded that healing takes this long, but I know how impressionable we are, especially as children. Cruelty is disintegrating. Healing from that cruelty — integrating — takes time. It cannot and must not be rushed, as You have gifts for us along the way, gifts to make us wiser, stronger, kinder, and compassionate. May we learn how to rest easy with You in this process. And bless, Lord, those You who accompany and support us. Amen.